Feeling Helpless

So the assigned topic for today's blog every day in May challenge is something difficult about your lot in life and how you are working to overcome it. I had to think about this one for a few minutes as I consider myself very lucky and tend to have a sunny outlook on life in general. Then it struck me, the thing that is difficult in my life right now is my husband's health.


Ten years ago my husband had a multiple trauma accident while at work. The doctors and surgeons were not sure he would be able to work again, I was told before his surgery "he will probably have a disability". John spent almost two years in physical therapy and worked hard and was able to go back to work. The accident left him with chronic debilitating pain. He never complains but I can tell when he's having a bad day because I will noticed a limp when he's walking. In the last two years John's health is deteriorating yet he continues to work. John and I have been through a lot in our 23 years together and I love him more than words can say. To watch him suffer and know the road ahead for him is not good scares me. I feel helpless and hopeless at times. Factor in that we do not have health insurance and the thought of our financial security being gone in the future scares both of us. I have found that most  people in our lives really don't seem to care, especially family. I have gotten comments like "So what ________ is in pain everyday"  "Everyone has their own burdens to carry".

The world at large and our family might not care about John's health but I do And so do our two sons, especially our oldest son who realizes what is going on. I guess we practice denial/avoidance regarding John's health and are able to carry on every day and have a normal life. But the times I do think about John's health and the future I feel helpless and hopeless. I do pray and I do know that I am fortunate for all the good things in my life but the sense of fear and not knowing what I'm going to do when John's health really go bad just won't leave.

So what am I doing to overcome this difficulty? Just trying to stay positive for my husband and my sons at this point it's all I can think of to do.